I Met My Husband on Tinder.
Dear Fierce Ones,
I met my husband, Avery on Tinder.
When I met Avery, I had been divorced for a few years, and during that time I had dated 3 main guys. Each one for about a year. The first guy was a mountain-climbing Frenchman from France. He was a legitimate mountain climber…I had met him on my way home from my Europe adventure. We met on a plane in Spain…for real LOL and we sat next to each other on the plane. I was sitting in first class because I had been able to cash in all my airmiles and upgrade to first class. Can I just say First class is so freakin’ AWESOME! OMG…that trip was a dream…sigh. Anyhow…he didn’t speak very good English at the time, but he asked me for my Facebook and by the time I got home, there was a friend request in my inbox. We ended up dating and had a wonderful romance…but that is not this story.
After the Frenchman, I dated a very sexy guy who I met because I had bought a house and I was moving in. I hired a moving company and he owned the moving company. We dated for a year but the whole time was just DRAMA. I eventually discovered that he was dating 2 other women besides me. I found my inner Nancy Drew, figured out the situation and contacted the other 2 women directly and let them know what was going on. It was WILD. In the end it was GOOD RIDDANCE. He was toxic.
The next guy turned out to be more of the same kind of BULLSHIT. Lies and deceit and I made it EASY for him. I was so NICE. I was so SWEET. I was so ACCOMMODATING I was so AVAILABLE. Looking back at myself…I just shudder because I was feeling so desperate for love.
Who doesn’t want to feel love? Do you know what it feels like to be in love? That Crazy Feeling. It is in every single ROMCOM movie. I call it “The Butterflies”.
And beyond that for me…I experience this sudden onset of deeply-affectionate-over-attachment syndrome. Suddenly, this guy I am dating is occupying ALL MY SPACE…by that I mean all the space in my head…in my heart…in my calendar…in my plans…WTF? I am so incredibly grateful that I just reached my tipping point, and if this is you when you start a new relationship…STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
I had an epiphany about myself. I realized that one of the reasons I felt so desperate for love was that I did not love myself. I was seeking outside affirmation to fulfill an inner desire. All that affection I was lavishing on guys was wasted. AND I was beating myself up in every way you can.
I stopped. I recognized that I was finding myself in a pattern and I made a decision. All that LOVE and AFFECTION and THOUGHTFULNESS and GENEROSITY OF SPIRIT and FORGIVENESS and GRATITUDE that I was giving to him was now going to be given to ME.
This changed everything.
IT TOOK PRACTICE TO LOVE MYSELF.
I had reached that place. That place of coming to know my own value. My worth. My existence suddenly really mattered because I now mattered to myself. That sounds weird…but I don’t know how else to explain it because it was just that. I suddenly mattered to myself. I saw myself as a precious little girl and I got righteously indignant. I really did. I SAW MYSELF. I saw this beautiful, lovely girl with a sweet and tender heart and I knew it was up to me to take care of her…and that was it.
In that moment I made a promise to myself to take care of that girl and to understand that it was my responsibility to take care of her and protect her and to love her and cherish her and respect her and honor her needs and feelings and emotions and to fight fiercely for her ideas and dreams and help her grow into her fullest potential. The person that she was created to be. I saw myself in a way I had never seen myself and in that moment I began to fall in love with that girl. I began to see who she was. What she loved to do. Who she aspired to be. AND… I loved her fiercely.
I promised myself to take care of that girl and I have never been the same since.
I began in simple ways. I would say nice things to myself…like…”I am so beautiful”. OR “I like the shape of my legs”. (I spent most of my life hating my legs because they were short and slightly chubby) and when I made a mistake about something I stopped all the negative self talk. I stopped berating and shaming myself.
Honestly…all I did was start treating myself like someone I loved dearly. In all my interactions with myself. I started to respond to myself throughout the day in a very loving and caring manner. I started taking care of myself the way I would want to be taken care of and it changed everything. I started to nourish my body and my mind with healthy thoughts, habits and emotions.
It was AFTER my turning point that I went on Tinder. I went on it out of complete curiosity. I wasn’t really trying to find my next husband. My daughter was using the app and I thought..."what is this app all about?...I was a bit aghast at the idea of using an app to date someone. She was like "Mom you should try it"
Initially, I was horrified at the idea of Tinder. I mean seriously...this app has a reputation for being a "hook-up app" and I wasn't really interested in "hooking-up". I was mainly curious. On the off-chance someone was interesting enough to go out with, I had a very set criteria in place to ensure that my time wasn't going to be wasted. At this point in my life (I was over 40) I was done wasting my time with guys that I didn’t “jive” with right away. Plus I was in love-myself-mode and I was loving how it felt and I didn’t want too much time to be devoted to anything that was of lesser quality-time than I would be giving to myself so I developed a little screening tool and I took the plunge. It was completely bizarre to me and yet so basic.
You set your criteria.
You make a little blurb about yourself
You add a picture and
VOILA! You are online dating.
Right away my phone started exploding with "you've got a match" messages. By exploding…I mean these little firework explosions go off across your screen when you both swipe right. I have to confess that it was somewhat exhilarating and fun (at first) but it didn’t take long before it started to feel like second job. I was fresh meat in the marketplace (at least it felt like that to me) and I needed to sort through all the crude and the rude dudes. Most dudes made it pretty obvious what they were after in the first couple of sentences and so I could just…Delete. Delete. Delete.
Within a week, I had whittled it down to 4 different guys that I was willing to meet in person. I arranged to meet each of them on a separate date within that same weekend.
I started with Steve. He was awesome. Handsome. Successful. Athletic. Giving. I liked him, I just didn’t feel “IT”.
I went on a date with another guy and I don’t even remember his name. It was a bust.
Avery was my 3rd date that weekend. I already had 3 dates lined up when he persisted on asking me out. He was starting to feel slightly frustrated because each time he suggested we meet, it conflicted with one of my other dates I had already scheduled. I really value efficiency and so I was quite business-like in my whole approach. I felt like I was setting up a bunch of interviews rather than dates and it felt really empowering to me. I remember having such a sense of well-being at that particular time in my life. I reached the end of that road. “That road” is the road where I was allowing other people to drive my emotions, my plans, and my LIFE.
I finally decided to stop being the passenger in my own life and I actually started to drive myself. For the last year of my life I had struggled in my relationship because I wasn’t “feeling it”. What I was feeling was ANXIETY. What I was feeling was ALONE, and that little voice of wisdom deep inside me kept whispering in my ear that something was not right. These are not the emotions of a healthy relationship and I am not an insecure person, but I was certainly feeling insecure within that relationship and whenever I gently broached the subject with him…I was placated with words that I wanted to hear… but I did not FEEL the truth. I sensed the BULLSHIT. One thing I can tell you is that the truth always comes out…and by the way…
YOU CAN HANDLE THE TRUTH!
What you can’t handle is the mess of lies and bullshit…so DON’T.
It won’t stop if you don’t stop it.
I went to his place, I uncovered the truth, confronted him, and ended the relationship.
It was empowering. It was also painful, but in a good way…I would liken it to popping an abscess. It always feels better when you get rid of the toxic in your life.
OK…back to my Tinder experience.
Avery suspected that I was playing games with him because I said I had plans each time he suggested we meet for a date. He finally asked me for a breakfast date and I agreed to meet him at 8am. It had to be early because I was going to church at 11 am and I explained that to him. I figured I might as well BE HONEST and see if this guy could handle the weirdness of a girl who makes 8am breakfast dates because she is going to church at 11am and yet she is dating on Tinder. I realized that it might seem somewhat incongruent, and I would probably be considered strange, or crazy, but it was the truth, and I figured that I might as well be myself, straight from the beginning!
(although it wasn't intentional...I highly recommend a breakfast date for the first date for the following reasons)
1. It tells you right away how serious he is about hanging out with you.
2. There is no alcohol being consumed to affect your judgement
3. There are no expectations of sex on an early morning breakfast date.
It turns out that I am actually a genius and not strange.
I arrived right on time.
He was early.
When our eyes met… we just connected. He gave me a sweet little sideways hug and that first date turned into many more to follow.
It just felt right for me. We liked the same things. It was easy and comfortable, and my dog Lucy liked him. We became best friends. I still remember the hug we shared after that first date. We still talk about it. I never had such a great hug in my life. A few dates later, our first kiss made me weak in knees. That was IT.
Without discussing it at all, He promptly deleted his Tinder account. He knew his search was over.
We both fell head-over-heels in-love and we haven’t stopped. It keeps getting better.
A couple of years ago, we bought a farm and got married in our own backyard. We are now a blended family starting a whole new life together living our passions and dreams.
This is US.
Married for over a year, our journey together through the struggles and mess of life has only strengthened our bonds. Today, we are more in love than ever before.
Much love to you dear fierce ones…
Thank-you so much for reading.
Find your fierce
Take the journey