I Was Told to "Stop Being a Victim", Here's Why That's Bullshit
Dear fierce ones,
Over the last several months, I have been experiencing intense feelings of grief, sorrow and pain. Re-visiting the past is not something I usually do. I am future-oriented. I am a "things will be better in the morning kind of person". Re-living some of the most painful and grievous experiences of my life through writing about them has been HARD for me. It has also been an incredibly healing and transformational process.
Life can be SO PAINFUL sometimes.
Ever since I can remember, I was always that kid on the playground running to help the one who got hurt. I was always drawn towards the hurting and wounded.
To that end...I became a nurse.
Nurses are well educated on pain assessment. It is important to note that we as nurse are taught that…
"PAIN IS WHAT THE PATIENT SAYS IT IS"
I started thinking about this a lot, because after I shared some of my most emotionally painful, shameful experiences, I got told that I should “Buck-up, sister” because it really wasn’t that bad and I instantly thought,“ What the hell does anybody know about MY pain?” The heartbreak of divorce and losing a child is beyond PAINFUL. I didn't think I could survive how I felt. It has been quite painful for me to write about the past...the memories and the feelings hurt even STILL.
I also got told that my happiness was causing a lot of other people pain and I should stop flaunting it. At that point I literally felt sick over my own existence. I thought "perhaps it would have been better to not have ever been born in the first place"?
I then started to reflect on EVERYTHING.
I remembered the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" and I remembered George when he just was so crushed and doubting. How he was so despondent he wanted to kill himself. How he thought the world would be better off without him.
He was WRONG.
As the angel took him back in time through the journey of his life he began to see his impact in the world.
We all receive messages. A lot of the messages we receive are bullshit. A lot of the messages we tell ourselves are Bullshit. Like that little thought "maybe it would have been better if I hadn't even been born?" That thought is BULLSHIT.
This message meant for me to "shut-up about it" and "stop being a victim", and to "just get over it". ... which was and is (ironically) exactly why I needed to write about it. To get over my fears and write about the past in order to heal myself and to bring healing to others. Writing gives purpose and meaning to my life and I receive so much positive growth and healing from it. In addition to that, many women have reached out to me to thank me for being so honest and vulnerable.
IT IS A DIFFICULT PROCESS...for every sentence that I do write...three more are written and then erased and sometimes there is just sentence after sentence deleted. It gets me feeling super VULNERABLE.
Just writing from a grammatical standpoint can give me anxiety. I made a few errors right off the bat with this blog and felt like I wanted to crawl into a hole and never write another word again. UGH! So embarrassing. Then bring into context my content...some of the worst moments of my life just NAKED before you all...
It is really crazy.
For at least six months...I have been bawling my eyes out every day, feeling scared...like I might throw-up and vulnerable...like I don't want folks to know the bad and the ugly... and at the same time feeling so completely FREE... just by living authentically and true to myself and owning my issues...and so totally HAPPY...because I am no longer living in FEAR-MODE.
I reached a turning point in my life and suddenly I felt like a champagne bottle that had been shaken and popped open.
An entire life of bottled-up pain and suffering, beauty and joy, adventure and moxie, courage and vulnerability just POPPED...and there was no controlling what spilled out. It was a bit of a mess!
I first began this journey into writing with no clue about how it would affect me. I felt compelled to do it, but also completely UNQUALIFIED. For years, my mom has been urging me to write. You must write she would say..."you are a WRITER". I had the desire but held myself back out of fear. So much Fear and Pain and Shame!
I am no longer living in GUILT. SHAME. PAIN. I still am haunted by my failures...they haunt me until I WRITE about it . I write about it because I must tell you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE in your struggles. We all have them.
This freedom to be able to share is a real victory in my life and I have had to BATTLE HARD to find my fierce. AND... the battle is ongoing! A few years ago, I read Daring Greatly by Brene’ Brown (A MUST READ). It was the first time I really delved into courage and vulnerability and what it meant. As I read the book, I began my journey towards those qualities.
I am now an avid reader of self-help and personal growth books.
I talk a lot about empowering yourself, taking the journey, and finding your fierce, because I have journeyed through some extremely difficult times, walked some hard roads of grief and loss, learned so much along the way, and I can't bear the thought that these hard lessons be for my benefit only.
For the past six months I have been writing about the past and re-living my painful experiences and mistakes. This had me feeling very broken-hearted. Reflecting and writing about my past plunged me into a struggle with the pain and shame of it all. My mistakes and failures, griefs and losses. The stress of it all has been overwhelming at times in both the beauty and the mess that is LIFE. Emotions I didn't expect have hit me in the most unexpected of times. Memories. Flashes of deep sorrow that have pierced me deeply. I looked back and thought..."if only I knew then what I know now" ...
After these past months I realize that to look back with regret is important, but it is even more important is to look back with...
It feels good to be REAL with all of you. I receive so much encouragement and love and support and I am overflowing with gratitude. You have BLESSED MY SOUL. Please continue to follow my journey. I have a lot of great content coming your way!
take the journey
find your fierce